A friend of mine is married and his wife is a German lady who converted to Islam 10 years after they were living together without being married. When she became Muslim, she told her husband that she will accept Islam, but not scarf, but will try to wear decent cloths, which is the closest to the Islamic clothes. He had accepted it. A few years later they got two daughters. The husband suddenly started to become religious and stopped drinking alcohol and became suddenly very strict to his wife and girls. Her beats his wife very often and tries to forces her to wear the scarf. She has been working as a secretary in a company since 20 years, he on the other side has no job, he says, that he does not want to work for and with Kuffar, so he is just living on welfare. His daughters are 8 and 10 now.
My questions:
1) Through the forcing, she almost is about to leave Islam, what shall we do, scarf or Islam?
2) The daughters hate his way of treating them; they always do the opposite behind him. Do they, the girls also have to wear scarf?
3) Can a Muslim live on welfare, rejecting working in Europe, but saying that welfare is our right as Muslims?
4) He also lives in her mother's house, and forbids her daughters and wife to visit the old mother who is living in another flat beside them. What is to do?

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

Allah Says (what of means): {But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand. And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].} [Quran 4:34-35]

So, Allah gave an account of the steps that should be followed when there is a misunderstanding between the spouses or when there is ill-conduct from the wife. Ill-conduct is disobedience.

The first step "advise them" (such women); i.e. remind them of the obedience and good company that Allah has decreed on them. One should also awaken their desire for pleasing Allah and frighten them from the bad consequences of disobedience. So, this husband should remind his wife that she has become Muslim and that Islam means full submission to the Orders of Allah including the Hijaab. In fact, Hijaab is an obligation upon every Muslim pubescent female. It protects her and preserves her from ill-treatment (from men).

On the other hand, neglecting it results in the Anger of Allah The Almighty. Indeed His Punishment is severe and unbearable.

Now, if admonition does not give the desired results, then the husband moves to the second step. Allah Says (what of means): {… forsake them in bed…}; this means that the husband sleeps in a separate bed or turns his back to her while sleeping with her on the same bed.

If this does not result in what is required, then the husband moves to the third step; Allah Says (what of means): {… and [finally], strike them…}. But this beating should not be violent as to cause a bone to be broken or a tooth to be uprooted. At-Tirmithi reported in a Hadeeth considered authentic by An-Nasaai that the Prophet in his farewell Hajj sermon said: “…Be good to your wives. Indeed they are but your aides; you don't own anything else from them unless they commit an evident immorality (Zina -adultery); only then should you refuse to share their beds and beat them unviolently.”

We remind this husband that he should deal with his wife softly and kindly and should not be a cause for her apostasy. He should also be kind to his daughters and call them to Islam with wisdom. Allah Says (what means): {Invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best.} [Quran 16:125]

As for your saying: "He tries to force her wear the scarf (Hijaab)"; this is the husband's right and duty. Allah Says (what of means): {…and to wrap [a portion of] their head covers over their chests and not expose their adornment…} [Quran 24:31] Allah also Says (what means): {O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to bring down over themselves [part] of their outer garments. That is more suitable that they will be known and not be abused. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.} [Quran 33:59]

It is forbidden for this woman as well as her daughters to go out with uncovered head. Similarly it is unlawful for this lady to work as a secretary in a place where there are men unless she is compelled by necessity to do so and provided she respects all Islamic rites related to such a situation.

As to this man's living on welfare, this is not appropriate for Muslims. The best for the Muslim is to live from his own earning. Indeed the upper hand is better than the lower one. And the Muslim should not let way for disbelievers to remind him of their favors upon him. The Prophet said: “Nobody ever ate from any food better than that which he earned with his own hand. The Prophet of Allah, Dawood (may Allah exalt his mention), used to eat from the work of his hand.” [Al-Bukhari]

He should consider being chased away from this country or having this welfare stopped. In such a case, he will find himself in a critical situation. However, if he doesn't find a suitable job or if there is something that prevents him from working, then there is no objection to his benefitting from this welfare system.

As for his preventing his wife from visiting her mother, we advise him to fear Allah, The Almighty, and avoid being a cause to severing kinship ties. Allah Says (what means): {So would you perhaps, if you turned away, cause corruption on earth and sever your [ties of] relationship? Those [who do so] are the ones that Allah has cursed, so He deafened them and blinded their vision.} [Quran 47:22-23]

The Maaliki and Hanafi Schools of jurisprudence are of the view that the husband has no right to prevent his wife from visiting her parents. To conclude, the husband should never prevent his wife from visiting her mother unless he fears that this might lead to what is forbidden.

He can, for instance, prevent her if he knows that her mother urges her to take off the Hijaab or instigates her against him,…etc.

We ask Allah to make this husband and his wife respect each other and seed love between them and guide them and their daughters to the right path.

For more benefit on the evidence for Hijaab and its conditions, please refer to Fataawa 81554, 83765, 83702, 81494, 354259 and 83033.

Allah knows best.